Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
