i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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