Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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