I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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