that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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