respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
