True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So many bounce houses so little time
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
