I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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