my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
