I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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