you traded sex for a burrito?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
