a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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