Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
