how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
