he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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