They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
