if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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