I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Randomize
