the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
