So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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