Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
