I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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