I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
And then he peed in my hair
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