I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
