I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
