My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
