I looked at my own cervix.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
