New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
