I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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