My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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