Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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