she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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