Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
