My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
