he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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