my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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