how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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