Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
