Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Your topless pictures make me question reality
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
