does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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