a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I want to fling myself into the sun
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
