i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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