I just saw a hot homeless man
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
