I just threw up on my dentist
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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