watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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