the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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