Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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