she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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