I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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