my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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